[Lena had been planning to let this message rot in her inbox. She doesn't really like talking abut her feelings, or too much personal stuff with people she barely knows. It may bleed out at times in certain conversations, but never on purpose; even around Webby, there's a lot of things she just doesn't say. But then this weekend happened, with that terrifying moment where she woke up being dragged into her own shadow, and the day she spent trapped in the Burned Tower. It was hell, going back to the dark again, and even though she could talk to people this time around, being unable to touch anything... it was almost worse. Like that one myth. Tantalus? Having things you want more than anything right in front of you, but unable to grab them.
Lena doesn't want to believe she's traumatized. That's just stupid. But so is talking to other people about her stupid feelings. Ugh.]
I'm not a spirit. [Technically true.] I'm not dead. [Also technically true.] I'm not anything.
[... Debatable, and some would disagree, but that's how she feels.]
[Ah, it's like looking into a mirror. A surly teenager with dyed hair mirror, and not actually looking since they were speaking. Nonetheless it's all things Botan had said to herself before, barring that she isn't a spirit since that is unmistakably what she was in her own world. The response time is unsurprising, it wouldn't have been a shock if Lena had never directly come back to the message or taken up the offer. The timing is equally unsurprising since a certain recurring weekend had just happened, and since Lena was new to it...]
"I don't really exist, I'm not a real person, I'm not anything, I don't matter, I will just fade away and be forgotten in the end."
Those are the sorts of things I would end up saying to my friends myself. It's a bleak outlook but ultimately the truth for my fate, I'm not even allowed to go to the afterlife, you know?
But for a moment, humor me if you will, imagine if the person dearest to you was saying that about themselves. What would you have to say then? Without saying anything harsh about yourself in the process, just focus completely on them. You wouldn't agree with what they're saying, would you? "Yes, that's right, you're not anything, you don't matter."
Yeeeah, except she wouldn't say anything like that. She's a normal person [OKAY WEBBY BEING NORMAL IS DEBATABLE BUT DETAILS] with a cool family so that's a pretty moot point.
[It's kind of weird being.... open about this, because she had to spend her whole life hiding this. But this place just blew her secret wide open so what's even the point now?]
Look, I'm not just being emo and self-hating about it [even if she does hate herself a lot] but it's literally the truth. I'm not any of that stuff.
That wasn't entirely the point of me asking you to imagine that, it was so you could think of how your friend would feel if she heard that herself. She wouldn't like it, right? I wouldn't accuse someone of being...um, "emo."
[Emo???]
So, your friend, she has a "cool family"--but you have a surname, which means you have, or had, a family too. Are they responsible for your state of being in your world? If you're comfortable telling me about that, at least.
I don't have an issue with it if you're willing, dear. But I won't guarantee that I won't talk about wanting to brain any family members of yours with a bat if they're scoundrels. It's up to you.
[And she sounds so perky talking about inflicting violence, too.]
Pfft, get in line. My family's nothing but trouble, and totally obsessed with this like... centuries-old blood feud with this old rich dude's family? Those kinds of people don't usually have good parenting skills, y'know.
[And the worst part about that is Lena thought Magica's treatment of her was normal. It wasn't until she saw Webby and her family, the way they squabbled but still loved each other and protected each other, that she realized how messed up her relationship with her aunt really was.]
I wasn't going to say anything about it but I'm guessing by the very subtle name of "Magica De Spell" that she's some type of sorceress?
[Hoo boy, she can see where all of this is going. And it's good that Lena is aware that how she was treated isn't okay and if plausible her family would receive retribution for it, because sometimes...]
Gee, that's some serious deductive prowess right there.
[Even when dipping her toes into her trauma, Lena still remains as snarky as the worst teens.]
Yup. The ~mistress of shadows~ [said in her spoookiest voice] because if you're gunna be an evil jerk with magic, then you have to have a suitable name, I guess.
What else do you want me to say? That she's not even really my aunt, but my creator? That she made me out of her shadow so she could use me to get revenge on that rich old guy after he sealed her away and didn't care if I got eaten or something? Man, if you think that stuff's nuts, that's not even the worst of it.
[She's not sure why she's telling a relative stranger about this, when even Webby doesn't know the full extent of how badly Magica abused her. It's sort of... easier, this way? She doesn't care what other people think about her, but she cares what Webby thinks. She cares if Webby cries because of her, and she knows if she told Webby about the really bad stuff, the other duckling would absolutely cry. So... better to unload all this on someone who doesn't seriously care, yeah?]
It's like I said, whatever you're comfortable with--or not, but just want to get out into the open. Thank you, that much can't have been easy to share.
[It isn't pleasant by any means, and it's nothing violence would solve, it's nothing big words would solve. But maybe small words can help, just a little.]
Just a hunch, but I'm supposing you don't want to share this with your friend because it would upset her, correct? Because you know that she would mourn that you were mistreated and used as a tool, that you don't have much of a future after your "use" has ended.
[Honestly, it had never occurred to Botan that she should hesitate sharing such things with her own friends for that reason. They had always been much stronger than her, and while she didn't want them to worry it never struck her as something that would really harm them emotionally. It was just a nothing sort of topic, like herself, a nothing.]
There's no way to keep her from being upset, I'm not going to insult your intelligence by saying there is, especially not with the nature of this place. But, Lena, humor me for a moment? She'll be sad, yes, but she'll want to find a solution to your unhappiness. She will believe in you no matter what your nature dictates, and that's more important than anything your aunt could have machinated. It doesn't matter what that witch did, you're here now and someone believes in you, someone loves you.
It'd upset her, yeah, and it's just... I dunno. I don't think she'd really get it if I talked to her about it? She has a super cool family that loves her a lot so it's easy for her to get angry, because she doesn't know what it's like to be scared of your family.
[There's a fwump sound on Lena's end of the call; likely her flopping down on her bed, 'gear still in hand.]
Wanting to help sure is nice, but I dunno if there's really a solution to all of this. Magica's not here, and even back home, I'm pretty sure she's run sniveling home like the sore loser she is, but... it doesn't feel like anything's been fixed.
I know, and there isn't really, especially with the impermanence of this place. And it's certainly not going to happen quickly.
Hey, it's all right. She might not fully understand but that doesn't mean she cares about you any less, you're not "nothing" to her.
[How to put this? It's a little harder when trying to put it in words, especially to someone certainly not native to her version of Earth.]
And even a shadow isn't "nothing." Where I'm from, there's a spirit in everything--it's called "kami", technically I'm a kami, there's kami in trees and water, there's even kami in sound and the air. The Pokemon are very similar to my culture's concept of kami. They're paid tribute to and regarded as something very much real. So...honestly, you're a kami from my perspective.
I heard about that kind of thing. Not super specific, 'cause that's not the kind of magic my family's into, but. It's a thing I kinda know of.
[And it's a nice thought. Really. That she could be her own spirit. But the facts laid out here are that she's really not; no matter what Botan or Webby or anyone else says, it's the complete and utter truth that she's only a piece of Magica that her aunt cut off and later discarded. They can try and be as introspective and reassuring as they want, but they can't change those facts.]
But uh.... a shadow is a lot different from trees or water or animals. I mean... it's part of a person. That's like saying someone's hair has a kami.
Sorry, I'm not laughing at you. There is such thing as hair spirits, believe it or not. And it's not magic, it just...is, it's nature, it's spiritual. Your aunt wouldn't have thought of it because, frankly, she sounds like a selfish dolt with her head up her bum, but even random "nonsense" gestures like that create kami.
Belief can create a lot of things, that's all I'm saying. And even if your so-called creator doesn't believe, well throw her off a cliff, you've got people that believe, and I know that sounds like a fairy thing but it's also legitimate. Still, I know, it's a lot to try and cope with, I suppose what I really want to ask is, what do you want to do now? With this life you've been given, with your friend.
... Wait, seriously? Oh man those must be some weird spirits.
[Aaaand there's the real question. The whole freedom thing. Honestly, being free kind of scares her about half as much as everything about her normal life does, because it's one huge, dark (or maybe light?) unknown.]
I never really thought about it. What I'm going to do after Magica I mean, because... I dunno. I did some pretty bad stuff 'cause she told me she'd set me free if I helped her, but even though I did it, I don't think I really believed that she'd just let me go? So I didn't make plans or anything.
[... There's some more dark stuff there about what exactly Magica was doing to this poor kid, but she's talking about it almost casually....]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[voice; purposefully like a month late]
Lena doesn't want to believe she's traumatized. That's just stupid. But so is talking to other people about her stupid feelings. Ugh.]
I'm not a spirit. [Technically true.] I'm not dead. [Also technically true.] I'm not anything.
[... Debatable, and some would disagree, but that's how she feels.]
no subject
"I don't really exist, I'm not a real person, I'm not anything, I don't matter, I will just fade away and be forgotten in the end."
Those are the sorts of things I would end up saying to my friends myself. It's a bleak outlook but ultimately the truth for my fate, I'm not even allowed to go to the afterlife, you know?
But for a moment, humor me if you will, imagine if the person dearest to you was saying that about themselves. What would you have to say then? Without saying anything harsh about yourself in the process, just focus completely on them. You wouldn't agree with what they're saying, would you? "Yes, that's right, you're not anything, you don't matter."
That would be cruel, unfair, untrue, right?
no subject
[It's kind of weird being.... open about this, because she had to spend her whole life hiding this. But this place just blew her secret wide open so what's even the point now?]
Look, I'm not just being emo and self-hating about it [even if she does hate herself a lot] but it's literally the truth. I'm not any of that stuff.
no subject
[Emo???]
So, your friend, she has a "cool family"--but you have a surname, which means you have, or had, a family too. Are they responsible for your state of being in your world? If you're comfortable telling me about that, at least.
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Lady, that's a can of worms I'm not sure you wanna open.
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[And she sounds so perky talking about inflicting violence, too.]
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[And the worst part about that is Lena thought Magica's treatment of her was normal. It wasn't until she saw Webby and her family, the way they squabbled but still loved each other and protected each other, that she realized how messed up her relationship with her aunt really was.]
Aunt Magica was the worst of them.
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[Hoo boy, she can see where all of this is going. And it's good that Lena is aware that how she was treated isn't okay and if plausible her family would receive retribution for it, because sometimes...]
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[Even when dipping her toes into her trauma, Lena still remains as snarky as the worst teens.]
Yup. The ~mistress of shadows~ [said in her spoookiest voice] because if you're gunna be an evil jerk with magic, then you have to have a suitable name, I guess.
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[It's semi-playful sarcasm mostly actually serious.]
Suppose that's classier than "of the Evil Eye" but go on.
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What else do you want me to say? That she's not even really my aunt, but my creator? That she made me out of her shadow so she could use me to get revenge on that rich old guy after he sealed her away and didn't care if I got eaten or something? Man, if you think that stuff's nuts, that's not even the worst of it.
[She's not sure why she's telling a relative stranger about this, when even Webby doesn't know the full extent of how badly Magica abused her. It's sort of... easier, this way? She doesn't care what other people think about her, but she cares what Webby thinks. She cares if Webby cries because of her, and she knows if she told Webby about the really bad stuff, the other duckling would absolutely cry. So... better to unload all this on someone who doesn't seriously care, yeah?]
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[It isn't pleasant by any means, and it's nothing violence would solve, it's nothing big words would solve. But maybe small words can help, just a little.]
Just a hunch, but I'm supposing you don't want to share this with your friend because it would upset her, correct? Because you know that she would mourn that you were mistreated and used as a tool, that you don't have much of a future after your "use" has ended.
[Honestly, it had never occurred to Botan that she should hesitate sharing such things with her own friends for that reason. They had always been much stronger than her, and while she didn't want them to worry it never struck her as something that would really harm them emotionally. It was just a nothing sort of topic, like herself, a nothing.]
There's no way to keep her from being upset, I'm not going to insult your intelligence by saying there is, especially not with the nature of this place. But, Lena, humor me for a moment? She'll be sad, yes, but she'll want to find a solution to your unhappiness. She will believe in you no matter what your nature dictates, and that's more important than anything your aunt could have machinated. It doesn't matter what that witch did, you're here now and someone believes in you, someone loves you.
no subject
[There's a fwump sound on Lena's end of the call; likely her flopping down on her bed, 'gear still in hand.]
Wanting to help sure is nice, but I dunno if there's really a solution to all of this. Magica's not here, and even back home, I'm pretty sure she's run sniveling home like the sore loser she is, but... it doesn't feel like anything's been fixed.
no subject
Hey, it's all right. She might not fully understand but that doesn't mean she cares about you any less, you're not "nothing" to her.
[How to put this? It's a little harder when trying to put it in words, especially to someone certainly not native to her version of Earth.]
And even a shadow isn't "nothing." Where I'm from, there's a spirit in everything--it's called "kami", technically I'm a kami, there's kami in trees and water, there's even kami in sound and the air. The Pokemon are very similar to my culture's concept of kami. They're paid tribute to and regarded as something very much real. So...honestly, you're a kami from my perspective.
no subject
[And it's a nice thought. Really. That she could be her own spirit. But the facts laid out here are that she's really not; no matter what Botan or Webby or anyone else says, it's the complete and utter truth that she's only a piece of Magica that her aunt cut off and later discarded. They can try and be as introspective and reassuring as they want, but they can't change those facts.]
But uh.... a shadow is a lot different from trees or water or animals. I mean... it's part of a person. That's like saying someone's hair has a kami.
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[She corrects herself.]
Sorry, I'm not laughing at you. There is such thing as hair spirits, believe it or not. And it's not magic, it just...is, it's nature, it's spiritual. Your aunt wouldn't have thought of it because, frankly, she sounds like a selfish dolt with her head up her bum, but even random "nonsense" gestures like that create kami.
Belief can create a lot of things, that's all I'm saying. And even if your so-called creator doesn't believe, well throw her off a cliff, you've got people that believe, and I know that sounds like a fairy thing but it's also legitimate. Still, I know, it's a lot to try and cope with, I suppose what I really want to ask is, what do you want to do now? With this life you've been given, with your friend.
no subject
[Aaaand there's the real question. The whole freedom thing. Honestly, being free kind of scares her about half as much as everything about her normal life does, because it's one huge, dark (or maybe light?) unknown.]
I never really thought about it. What I'm going to do after Magica I mean, because... I dunno. I did some pretty bad stuff 'cause she told me she'd set me free if I helped her, but even though I did it, I don't think I really believed that she'd just let me go? So I didn't make plans or anything.
[... There's some more dark stuff there about what exactly Magica was doing to this poor kid, but she's talking about it almost casually....]